Ars Moriendi
by Belladonna Sinistra
Summary: The tragic story of Severus Snape and his 50th birthday... (reuploaded because of stupid formatting)
1. It's So Much Easier to Run

--REUPLOADED 11/04/04 (because the formatting was annoying the hell out of me.)

A/N: This is an idea that's been bugging me for a while now. As we found out in GoF and OotP, Severus Snape has not had an easy life. He was bullied at school, and probably at home, and I know as well as anyone that that hurts like nothing else. So, the premise of this story is that Severus made a promise to himself that he would commit suicide on his 50th birthday to free himself from the pain of his life. It does get kinda fluffy in parts, because it also features Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, who I've made the same age as Severus so that they would have known each other at school.

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**Ars**** Moriendi (The Art of Death)**

**By Belladonna Sinistra**

_It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone_

_--_Linkin Park, 'Easier To Run'--

Severus Snape leaned back in his chair, yawning, and winced as he felt his back pop. He looked over at the clock on the wall. Nearly dinner time. He had been sitting in his office all afternoon, going over various documents he had found whilst going through his desk. Some would need to be dealt with, others could wait until hell froze over for all he cared. He stood up, stretched again, straightened his robes, and left to go down to dinner, making sure to seal his office behind him.

Hogwarts was so much better without the students, he thought. No-one dropping Dungbombs, no-one yelling or shoving each other, no fights over who had taken someone else's seat – just the peace and quiet of living with a relatively small group of adults who mostly kept out of each others' space. 

A few teachers who didn't have families of their own, Snape included, lived at Hogwarts permanently. These few were now milling about the Great Hall. Professor Sinistra, with whom Snape usually sat at mealtimes, waved to him, and he raised his hand in return, then went to his usual dark corner to wait until the doors were opened for dinner, which didn't usually happen until Albus Dumbledore decided to drag himself away from whatever was so fascinating in his office. Snape had spent long hours pondering what the Headmaster could have in his office that would make him want to stay up there for hours at a time, but the results he usually came up with were always slightly disturbing, to say the least. In fact, the last time Snape's mind had wandered in that direction, he hadn't slept for three days. '_Maybe I should get out more…' _he thought to himself. Lucius was always wanting to drag him to some exciting place or other, which usually ended with them collapsing onto a park bench in a drunken stupor and waking up cold and stiff next morning with some old tramp yelling at them to get off his bench. Yep, Lucius Malfoy knew how to party.

Finally, Albus Dumbledore came sweeping down the staircase towards them. He really did sweep in the most dreadful way, mused Snape. What a drama queen. The doors to the Hall opened, and the staff followed the Headmaster up to the top table, where steaming dishes of food were waiting for them. Snape took his usual place beside Stella Sinistra and helped himself to his favourite dish, chicken and mushroom risotto. He made sure to take the time to savour its creamy texture and cheesy tang – you never know, your next bowl of risotto might be your last. When the puddings arrived, Snape immediately went for the chocolate fudge pudding. Chocolate had gotten Severus Snape through some of the toughest times of his life, and he wasn't giving it up for anyone. Neither was he giving up coffee. The house-elves had provided him with a large mug of his favourite drink, which he, Lucius and Narcissa had developed whilst at school to help them get through the ungodly amount of work they'd had to plough through in their last few years at Hogwarts, and was referred to as Hot Mud™, due to the fact that you could stand a spoon in it. Stella was looking at him with one eyebrow raised.

"Severus, that can't be good for you, you know."

"Stella, you say that every time I drink this stuff, and you know I always ignore you. Why do you keep trying?"

"Just to annoy you" she replied, smiling sweetly at him. Snape simply sneered at her and went back to his Hot Mud™. Stella rolled her eyes and pulled a dish of crème caramel towards her.

After dinner, Snape went back to his study. He'd put off what he was about to do for quite a while, and it was only fair that he made a start on it fairly soon. He sighed, pulled a piece of parchment and his favourite self-inking quill towards him, and began to write.

_18th July, 2012___

_Dear Lucius and Narcissa,_

_As the two of you are, and have always been, my closest friends_, _I feel that it is only right that you should be the first to receive this piece of news. As you know, August 7th is rapidly approaching. I do hope you remember what I had planned for this particular birthday._

_My life has not been wonderful. My father was horribly abusive towards both myself and my mother, which was of course the cause of my mother's suicide. I had hoped to find a place of  solace and comfort at Hogwarts, but certain people who shall remain nameless made sure that didn't happen. The Dark Lord promised me a release from my painful memories, but ultimately didn't keep his promise. The only people who were ever able to offer me comfort were the two of you, and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart._

_However, the time is fast approaching for me to take my release into my own hands. I don't know what is waiting for me, but all I know is that it can't hurt me any more than my  life has to date._

_I love you both, and I wish you all the best for the rest of your lives._

_Yours,_

_Severus__._

He folded the parchment and placed it into an envelope, wanting to send it quickly in case he changed his mind. He called down his owl, Mephistopholes, whom he had brought down from the Owlery earlier. Attaching the letter to the bird's leg with a thin strip of leather, he gave it a gentle pat on the back before releasing it into the night. He sighed softly, and turned away from the window as Mephistopholes disappeared into the darkness.

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A/N: Well, what do you think? If anyone's interested, Hot Mud™ consists of coffee brewed to quadruple-strength with condensed milk added. Please R/R!!


	2. Somewhere I Belong

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real   
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along   
Somewhere I belong___

_--_Linkin Park, 'Somewhere I Belong'

Lucius Malfoy started as he heard a soft thump from the vicinity of the window. Looking up from the book he had been reading curled up in his favourite chair, he saw the familiar owl that he knew belonged to his friend.

"Hello, Mephistopholes. What have you got for me today?" he murmured softly as he took the letter from the bird's leg. He scanned its contents quickly, then sank back into his chair, his hand over his mouth.

"Narcissa!" he called, ignoring the impatient sounds coming from Mephistopholes.

"What?!" came the call from downstairs. "I'm this close to catching that damn mouse in the drawing room!"

"This is more important that that bloody mouse!"

"It's not a bloody mouse yet, but it will be when I catch the little bugger…" muttered Narcissa as she came in, absently swinging a piece of firewood in one hand. "What's so important, anyway?" 

He handed her the letter that Mephistopholes had brought. She read it carefully, then looked at him wordlessly.

"What are we going to do?" she asked softly.

"What can we do? You know as well as I do that he's been planning this for years. If there was any chance that he was going to reconsider, he'd have done it by now."

"Yeah…But we can't just say 'Okay Severus, nice knowing you!'"

"Well…there's nothing else we can say."

Narcissa sighed softly, resting her head on her husband's shoulder. "But we can't just let him…you know. Not like that, all alone."

Lucius wrapped his arms around his wife's shoulders, pulling her close. "I know. But…he knows how we feel. In the end it's up to him…"

"Where is that bloody owl?! It doesn't take this long to get to bloody Wiltshire and back…" Severus muttered, pacing up and down his study. Then he heard a flutter of wings and a soft hoot from the windowsill. "About time you got back!" he snapped, going over to the owl. "And what's this…?" he added, noticing the letter bound to the bird's leg. He removed the parchment and gave Mephistopholes an Owl Treat from the jar on his desk. The owl hooted gratefully and flew away, presumably to go to sleep in the Owlery. Snape sat down behind his desk and opened the letter.

_19th July 2012___

_Dear Severus,_

_We knew that the day would come eventually, but it's a shock to realize that it's so close. We know what you're planning, and we are painfully aware that there is no way to talk you out of it. However, you are our greatest friend and confidante, and it would mean so much to us if you would allow us to be with you when you take your final journey._

_We cannot force you not to do this, but we want you to remember that we love you very much, and will always be there if you need us for anything._

_With love,_

_Lucius__ and Narcissa.___

Snape sat back in his chair, tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling. He felt a twinge of guilt in his belly that he would soon be leaving the two best friends he'd ever had. They had always been so good to him, picking him up off the ground after Potter and his stupid friends had hexed him and walked away laughing.

_'I wouldn't even be in this situation if it weren't for those arrogant little bastards…' _he thought, the familiar rage awakening again. It had been twenty years, but he still hated Potter and the rest of them, could still hear their taunts as if it were yesterday. But still…Lucius and Narcissa had stood up for him, made him feel like a person instead of just everybody's whipping-boy. He knew deep in his heart that he would never forget that…


	3. Dreams Last For So Long

_Out of sight, out of mind_

_Out of time to decide_

_Do we run? _

_Should I hide?_

_For the rest of my life_

--t.A.T.u, '30 Minutes'

Later that night, Severus Snape lay in his bed and dreamed. He dreamed of a time long ago, when he was young, before his mother's death and his father's disappearance. He was back at his family's old house, before Gringotts had foreclosed on it since his father had been unable to pay off the latest in long series of mortgages. He was sitting in his customary dark corner reading a book on poisons, trying hard to ignore the distant sounds of shouting and crying. His parents were fighting again. Lately it seemed that they always shouted at each other – sometimes about his mother's drinking, but usually about him. Severus was painfully aware that his father thought of him as nothing but a burden, another mouth to feed when he could barely feed himself and his wife. Severus's insides burned with anger. Was it his fault he was headed for Hogwarts next month? Was it his fault he needed all those expensive books and things? He was sure of one thing, though – he would do well, if for no other reason, then simply to prove his father wrong. He was going to prove that he wasn't simply a nuisance and a burden, that he could be so much more than his arrogant, bullying, snobbish pig of a father. Suddenly, his father's face loomed before him. "You think you can be better than me, boy?! Take this!" The fist heading for his face was the last Severus saw of his dream before he woke with a start, his body drenched in sweat.

He lay back, waiting for his breathing to return to normal. Lately it seemed that he had been dreaming of his family more often than was usual, and he didn't like it. Having spent most of his adult life trying hard to distance himself from his family, the last thing he needed was to have them invading his dreams. He decided that some chemical assistance was needed for this situation – going over to the cabinet on the other side of the room, he got out a bottle of Firewhiskey and poured himself two fingers in a glass. He got back into bed, nursing the glass as if it were filled with holy water. It was times like this that he relished the thought of his upcoming birthday. The very idea of not having to put up with anything anymore filled him with a warmth that had nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with eternal, everlasting peace and quiet. _Just think_, he thought drowsily,_ no more obnoxious first years, nobody demanding that I make them some potion or other right this minute because they're too damn lazy and/or  incompetent to do it themselves, no more nightmares, no more remembering…_Feeling sleep heading his way again, Snape yawned, put his glass down on the bedside table, and lay back, pulling the covers over his shoulders and snuggling into his bed. His eyes drifted shut, and he dreamed again…

This time, he was back at Hogwarts during his school years, poring over a large, ancient book in the library. Suddenly, there was a thump as someone dumped their heavy bag on his table.

"God, I thought that detention would _never _end! I really don't think I deserved three hours with McGonagall – all I did was drop a bag of tarantulas, for crying out loud!"

Severus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Narcissa had never really grasped the concept that performing her own brand of hell-raising during Transfiguration, in front of the strictest teacher in the school, was not a particularly good idea.

"So, what did she make you do?" he asked her, more out of a sense of duty than any real interest.

"Catch all the tarantulas, and write out _I must behave myself during lessons_ 200 times."

"I don't know why they make you keep writing that, it never sinks in. And anyway, you like catching spiders. How is that a punishment?"

"Meh. At least I know where to go next time I want spiders to drop down Potter's back." she said, grinning happily.

With that, Severus decided to change the subject. "Where's Lucius?"

"Buggered if I know. Whatcha reading, anyway?"

"I'm reading about Nicolas Flamel for History of Magic."

"What's a Nicolas Flamel?"

"Oh, honestly, Narcissa, don't you _read_?" he rolled his eyes at her, earning himself a punch in the arm.

"Of course I read, stupid, just not about History of Magic. It's so boring." Narcissa wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"Well anyway, Nicolas Flamel was an alchemist. He was supposed to have created the Philosopher's Stone."

"Ohh, you mean that thing with the stuff."

"…Yes. It turns metal into gold."

"You shot who with a what now?" Lucius had turned up, a red handmark evident across his cheek.

"Ooh, nice bruise, Lulu. Who gave you that, Lily Evans again?" asked Narcissa, grinning cheekily. Lucius stuck his tongue out at her and sat down next to Severus, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder.

"About time you turned up. Where've you been?"

"Don't make me explain, Severus, it may open me up to criminal prosecution. What are we talking about?"

Severus decided to take the hint and not ask. "We're talking about Nicolas Flamel and the Philosopher's Stone."

"You mean that thing that makes you immortal?"

Narcissa suddenly looked up. "What?! You didn't say anything about immortality!"

"I see that interests you, Miss Black?" Severus remarked, raising an eyebrow.

"Aren't you interested?! All the gold you could want, and immortality to boot! Joy!" she exclaimed, bouncing in her seat.

"Mmm…gold…" Lucius said from where he was dozing on Severus shoulder. Severus gave him a discreet push, and he slumped onto the table, his long hair falling across his shoulders. 

"Well, to be honest, Narcissa, eternal life sounds like eternal hell to me. Think about it – forever trapped by yourself, alone with your memories and broken dreams…"

"Severus, I know I say this every time I see you, but I'm gonna say it again – lighten up, for Christ's sake!"

"I've got an idea." Lucius was back among the living.

"God save us all." remarked Severus, rolling his eyes.

Lucius ignored him. "You know, if we all drank the Elixer, you wouldn't be alone, Severus."

Severus stared at him. "You'd do that for me?"

"Definitely. We love ya, even if you are a depressing git."

"You just want the money, don't you, Narcissa?" he asked, smiling at her.

"Oh, I'm sure I can get money out of you two easily enough." she smirked

Lucius put his arms around his friend's shoulders. "Face it, Severus, you're not getting rid of us that easily."

Severus hugged his friend back, enjoying the feeling that rose into his chest – loving your friends, and them loving you back.

The singing of the birds woke Severus the next  morning. _Bloody birds, I like that dream!_ he whined to himself, putting his pillow over his head. But sleep was once again eluding him, this time for good until bedtime. _Bugger._

He sat up and smiled to himself, remembering the second dream of the previous night. Yeah, 'Cissa and Lulu were great friends. Narcissa could be annoying, and Lucius a typical blond, but they were the first people to be unconditionally kind to him. He would miss them…


End file.
